It's been a while since I've posted, and I've been missing my venting sessions terribly.
I feel some catching up is in order :-)
It hit me, just a moment ago as a matter of fact, that today marks exactly one month since I left my full-time job to stay home and work for myself. It feels like longer, actually. Like the workaholic I am, my first week home, I jumped headfirst into business, ambitiously taking on several quick-turn, highly stressful projects.
And you know why? It's silly, really. But at the core, I wanted it all.
I wanted the flexibility of managing my time however I pleased. I wanted to be able to keep up with laundry and cooking and cleaning. I wanted to enroll Lincoln in this amazing Christian school I'd heard about. And most of all, I wanted to live the same life we'd lived on two full-time incomes without making any financial sacrifices.
Completely realistic, right?
I made this unspoken promise to myself that I would bring in the same amount of monthly income as I had at my previous job. And like the good worker bee that I am, I set myself to it and was well on my way.
Except that by week two of being home, I was exhausted. Again. The laundry was piling up. Lincoln was living on Chick-fil-A, and I was stressed. Again.
"Why are you taking on so much?" my mother and voice of reason asked me one day. "I thought the reason you were staying home was so you would be less stressed."
And it forced me to the painfully difficult realization - first, that my mother is most often right; and second that the problem, was not necessarily full-time work, or too much to do at home, or my energetic toddler. The problem was me.
Over the past year, I'd fallen into the trap of trusting my own two hands for my provision, and I didn't even realize it. Suddenly, I had the thing I most wanted - time off to slow down and do more of what I love (be present in our home & write) - but all I could see was work.
I wanted it to provide for my wants and needs. I wanted it to satisfy my longings. And I wanted it to affirm my worth and importance.
On most days, I chained myself to our dining room table and worked from morning until it was time to pick up Lincoln from school. I stayed up late and woke up early to work.
It wore and tore on me for two full weeks before I came to my senses and resigned myself from everything. Again.
And it's crazy what happened. I rediscovered this place called the gym. I started taking vitamins. I got my hair done twice (!), which usually only happens a couple times a year. I started reading through the New Testament. I cooked dinners. I took afternoon walks with Lincoln. I thought more intentionally about how to tangibly love Musa.
It's been two weeks of beautiful and refreshing and humbling.
But as I feared, the inevitable is happening. We're feeling the financial hit like I knew we would. We're adjusting, again. Making changes. Scaling back.
And even though I fought it terribly at first, I'm okay now. Sometimes, you don't know what you really value, until it's taken away. But thankfully, God loves me enough to expose me when I'm off base so I can change.
So where does that leave me?
Still working (shameless plug for CKPR Consulting), but with the goal of not putting too much pressure on myself to perform. And since I'm the boss, I'm giving myself room to balance work with the rest of my life and set up healthy boundaries, which I've needed for quite a while.
Hoping I'll have more time to do more of what I love, like share life with you here in the days ahead. Stay tuned ;-)